Just horsING around.

It's been a while since I've posted anything, which really doesn't help me obtain readers (and attention). So I've decided I need to avoid the epic stories, and just keep it short and sweet (or short and weird, because weird is less boring than sweet.)So, to start things off in the appropriately awkward direction, here's a video I found when searching for Halloween costume ideas.

This video is seriously tempting me to be a unicorn or a centaur this year (and it also kind of makes me want to eat a cookie).

Although, even unemployed as I currently am, it's a lot of work to do in two weeks. Mainly because I wouldn't be able to settle for the only authentic looking part of the costume being hooves. The whole thing has to look authentic, (and by authentic, I mean "not cheap, half-assed, or store bought").

It's just how I roll.

If I had more money, and wasn't lazy, I'd start being a comi-con nerd-girl and making bad-ass costumes  year round (I WAS Sailor Moon one year, and it was awesome).


(The pictures of the costume, are from back in the day when we actually went to a store to develop film. One day I'll scan them and you can see my costume. For now, laziness wins.)


However...socializing, boozing, eating, and sleeping appeal more to my lazy side than fancy costumes, and lazy wins out more often than ambition. My party loving socialite parts, and my socially awkward nerd parts are always conflicting. They have yet to get along properly.

Though, I'm taking lessons from BFF and Blanket, (not that I'm allowed to call her Blanket, it's not a nickname I have ever been any part of...but I've chosen to keep real names hidden from the public, so it's all I currently can think of). For those that don't know - both lovely ladies have this unnatural ability to unwittingly make the male species fall in love with them no matter what they do. I am simultaneously fascinated, baffled, curious, and skeptical as to how this is possible. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it.

I think BFF has super-human pheromones, and Blanket is just magical.

Like unicorns and centaurs are.

Whoa... my friends are mythological beasts. AWESOME!

************************

UPDATE:
(even though I forgot to post this, thus causing this update to be more of the initial post... but, why get technical?)

I AM A MYTHOLOGICAL BEAST TOO!!!

That's me & BFF (she's wearing my old Peacock costume, which I also made).

Yup, that's right. I'm an effing dragon. A DRAGON!!! and I pulled off the costume (aka: made it) in two weeks.

Sadly, the feet were never finished. They are just giant chenille pipe-cleaners bent into talon shape. They look a lot like Muppet feet, which is hilarious to me. I kinda want to take a picture for you, but that would mean cleaning so you don't see the current disastrous mess that is this house.

Again, laziness wins.

Come January, I hope to move and leave this mess behind, thus you'll get more pictures and possibly more posts cause I'll be all happy and inspired to write/post pictures, and be silly to no one in particular since no one really reads my blogs. If you read, you should leave me comments cause I'm pretty sure you readers (aside from the few I've pressured into reading this) are as mythological as my costume.


I DO BELIEVE IN READERS, I DO, I DO!!! (You're kinda like fairies, right?)

Note to self...

Just because you live in a climate that is always rainy, cloudy, and hasn't seen much of a spring/summer yet despite it being the end of June... does not mean you should ignore this fantastic invention called sunscreen.

I am half lobster, and my seat belt has decided I must suffer repeatedly for it.

Dear Seat Belt,

You don't have to rub it in anymore.

I feel the burn.

Thanks for the reminder though, I know you're only trying to keep me safe.

Sincerely,
ING

I blame squirrels.

Apparrently Bellevue has a flying squirrel problem.

Houston, we have a problem...

Seriously, my friend couldn't work because they knocked out the power in her building. This happened for at least two days...
And she gets to blame squirrels!


I want to blame squirrels for something.

I blame squirrels for Anakin becoming Darth Vadar. If squirrels had been Jedi's, he would have told that old wrinkly evil dude:  "You have cool powers and all, but they've got flying squirrels with light sabers... you just can't compete with Jedi Squirrels."

PURE AWESOME

 

Super Squirrel!!

 Dear Squirrels,
You are way cooler than chipmunks, especially you flying squirrels. You're cute, with fluffy tails, and badass because you can fly too!

(Well, you para glide, but that's more than chipmunks can do, and they've been getting all the publicity). 

I think you should continue causing minor annoyances so that you can enjoy some of the spotlight in Hollywood too.

Sincerely,
ING












Dear Alvin, Simon & Theodore,

Move over, there's some new tiny furry critters in town, and they mean business.

They don't fuck around, they can cut off power lines, do Kung Fu, handle four light sabers at once, and who knows what else.

They might even steal your girlfriends. Girls dig bad boys, and these guys are badasses.

Sincerely,
ING







And now, just because I'm bored and don't really know how to end a blog about squirrels, you get some pictures proving how awesome squirrels are:

They play poker.

Told you some of them knew some Kung Fu! They probably even know some Ninjitsu, and Karate, etc...

I really really wish this little guy was real!! I'd totally have one as a pet!!! **swoon**







Purple Corndogs

I just remembered that I used to eat purple corndogs in elementary school.

No, not a bold purple, but a sickly purplish-pink color. Hot dogs and corn dogs are supposed to have that nice fleshy pink color to them:

(wow, shouldn't have used the word "fleshy" right there... kind of an appetite killer) but in elementary, we'd get all excited on corndog day, only to bite into something that looked not quite right.

Also fleshy cause it's got a face! It's alive!!! Aaahhh!!

hhhhmmm... after having made that picture, I'm realizing a zombie corndog with ketchup blood would have been way cooler. I'll have to make a zombie corndog for you some day in the future, just not today.

Instead, here's a picture I found online of a crazy corndog that's just not right. It could be delicious, but it's still just not quite right.

Not really sure why they would serve us something like that. Isn't there quality control for school lunches? Maybe not. I do recall crinkle fries being served. I love fries, but despise crinkle fries. They're like little crimped monsters of no flavor.

You'd think kids would react like John Oliver did in the Purple Dinner Incident of 1981 to things like purple hot dogs and crimped bland fries, but for some reason, children of all picky-ness levels still eat them. Maybe it's the novelty of them being different? My mom did get me to eat broccoli by telling me they were little trees (honestly not sure why that worked - you don't eat big trees), and olives were fun cause you could stick them on your fingertips.

But purple hot dogs? Was it that kids like purple things? Is that how Grimace (essentially a monster of sorts) could help convince kids to eat Happy Meals?

(Disclaimer: found this picture online. Don't sue me for it. Imitation is flattery, or something.)

Apparently purple is delicious to kids, and kids are delicious to purple.

(Disclaimer: again... not mine. Found online. But you should know that cause who doesn't remember the One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater?)

Mmmmmmmmm.... Purple....

Evil Death Balls

I was momentarily enthralled by fun white min-pellets, until the drive home reminded me of the evil within those disguises and the havoc they wreak.

Luckily I foiled snow's destructive plans and made it home safely. Phew!

But a warning to you... Don't let fluffy flakes or bouncy fun fool you.... it's a trap!!! 


Speaking of flakes... Mother nature could use some Head & Shoulders too...

Don't be a Flake.

Dear "Tony the Tiger",

I think you're a bit 'cornfused'... your flakiness is not great.

We make plans, and you don't call, don't show...

I decided, rather than get upset at your childish antics, to offer a helpful solution:

Hope to hear from you soon!

Sincerely,
ING

Bailey

So, about 3 years ago Best Friend lived with me. And she talked me into allowing her to get a dog. Since I'm a sucker for cute fuzzy critters, I said yes. I shouldn't have because I severely underestimated the potty training of puppies... but I said yes and soon fell in love with this little dog named Bailey. (not bestiality kind of love, ewww! That would be sick and wrong. What are you thinking? How dare you figuratively molest a poor puppy with your mind!!)

As a puppy, Bailey would be all cute and non-begging even though she really was begging.

Then she'd get so quiet and patient that I'd forget she was there... and it was right about that moment that she'd go "RUFF!!!" and I'd jump like a mile off the couch (and yes she said "ruff" cause that's what puppies say. Grown up dogs say "woof").  Then she'd do that happy puppy prance as though it was the funniest thing ever.

                                                       Good thing I love that dog.



 One day, for some reason that I can't recall, Best Friend begged me to dog-sit Bailey and bring her to work with me.

She behaved pretty well considering she was in a place with lots of new smells. For a while, she just stared at me with big doe eyes.


And as dogs are wont to do.... she tried her best to convince me that I liked dog slobber all over my face.

Finally she conceded to just sleep under my desk.

To this day I'll never understand how a power strip is a comfy pillow.

Then again... she does like sleeping in bathtubs...

The End.

(or is it...?? dun dun duuuuuunnnn....)

I wanna be a Centaur!!! Scorpions are yucky!!

First they tell me Pluto's not a planet anymore, and now they're telling me I'm a Scorpion not a Centaur. Not cool guys, not cool.


  And what the heck is an Ophiuchus (how do you even pronounce that)? It's apparently a man wrestling a snake. Sounds inappropriate if you ask me. Must be why they ditched that one back in the day. They were definitely more conservative back then.



Oops, misspelled Scorpion. Twice. Deal with it.

 I'd much rather be a Centaur than a Scorpion. Centaurs are awesome, all the benefits of being a horse, but added bonus of being kinda human still too!! Kinda like being a mermaid, but less problems with running errands. Since, you know... mermaid's can't run....


So they say... but I'm stubborn and I refuse to give up my awesomeness for creepiness.

Then again... Scorpions have little legs.

As a Centaur, I've got some serious calves.

No joke!  The other day I tried on these tall boots I've been wanting. I could barely squeeze my calves into them. It was very disappointing...

note the hooves reaching out to each other in protest

I bought the boots anyways. I managed to zip them, so they'll stretch out right? Maybe I should return them... hhhmm....

Oh, did I mention a friend asked me to be in a photo shoot? The same day a that lady from the Progressive commercials decided to visit... so I got to take photos while feeling gross.

That's probably why my baby cows didn't want to fit in the boots either. They were probably protesting. They saw it coming.

Wait?!?!

I have psychic cows instead of legs!!!

So cool!!!

Vampwolf.

So, I'm pretty sure I'm part vampire part werewolf.

First off, I'm pretty pale. You can see all my veins, but I'll leave that out of my pictures, they're frightening enough as is. 

I also have really skinny claw like fingers, and dry calloused feet (which obviously means that I run around without shoes, right? Werewolves don't wear shoes. That would just be silly.)

I don't enter peoples homes uninvited.

Don't tell me to 'just stop by anytime' cause I won't. I need a new invitation every time. And sometimes a text/call asking "are you coming? I'm here". 

I guess I sorta have consumed blood... sometimes my lips get dry and they crack, and then rather than get a tissue I just lick my lips. It's kinda coppery.


I prefer to be awake at night, and once a month I'm a cranky and might snap at you with my sharp teeth.


 
                                  Rawr.

New Year, New Hair. Let's hope the year is happier than the hair.

So, I was less than enthusiastic about New Years Eve this year... mostly because I really stressed about who's party to go to. I couldn't decide because I am very indecisive in general, and I also have this moral obligation to not offend anyone... thus, my mind was distracted and I made less than stellar choices.

Like the impulsive decision to cut my hair.

Normally, this particular impulse ends well, and I'm rejuvenated and excited for life again because my hair is refreshed and cute again rather than long and tangly. I even used the same cartoon pic that worked so well for me for my last haircut.

Yes, I used a cartoon picture as my example... that may have been Mistake #1 in my plan to be perked up & rejuvenated.

Mistake #2 was being too out of it to properly explain how much leeway and creativity I was allowing the stylist...My hair was supposed to look like a less volumized version of this:

I was picturing myself leaving the place all sexy-like... I mean, last year using this same picture example, it turned out like this:

So I had high hopes for this year as I was going to allow more of the bangs to be shorter...

Mistake # 3, trusting that just because I've had good luck with a new hair stylist every time at my local salon, that the luck would never run out. I truly thought my straight hair would never have any trouble with any stylist because it was so easy to work with.

Apparently this lady had a different vision than I did. Apparently she took the photo too literally.

She also used an obscene amount of product after I repeatedly insisted that my hair can't have too much product or it'll feel greasy...

I felt like I had a jelly fish on my head.

So I walked out of there with a slimy sea creature on my head, and tried to be positive, however it really didn't hit me until I got home and had to get ready for my party.

That's about the time I had a minor breakdown.

There's one thing you need to know about me to fully understand this breakdown: I love touching my hair. It's like petting a kitten/bunny/puppy, very pleasant and soothing and relaxing... not to mention that it keeps my hands busy in those moments where I really don't know what to do with my hands and would prefer not to be super awkward. It gives my hands a purpose in life. A glorious wonderland of silky softness to twirl, braid, tie in knots that never stay knotted...

But the whole way home all I could grasp was a stringy greasy mess.

This was very disturbing to me.

Normally, playing with my hair would help ease the troubled feeling... but no. The inability to play with my hair was half the problem! So I was caught in this little paradox/spiral of unhappiness.

It's like taking away a baby's favorite toy and expecting the baby not to cry.

I cried a little.

Not a full on sob or anything, but a whiny, temper-tantrum style, watery eyed frustration.

Crap. I now look like Medusa. Guess I'm kissing a statue this new years? 

I didn't even have a new sparkly outfit to help counter the feelings of ugliness. And no time to shower and attempt to re-style this new horrendous cut without any practice. I just had to deal with it and get dressed in a dress I already had worn before. (Luckily I had a cute purple leopard print dress on hand and sparkly shoes. But I still didn't feel G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S like Fergie).

Mistake # 4 - I did attempt to restyle it. Without shampooing.

I just brushed out all the teasing she did hoping it would look less like a sea creature, cause if I ever get the chance to look like any character from Greek Mythology I'd much prefer Aphrodite to Medusa.

I shouldn't have messed with it, it looked just as bad, but flatter.

At least it didn't feel tangly anymore. It did however, make the jump from just feeling greasy, to also looking like it. More whiny frustration happened. It was already 9pm and I had a 30 minute drive ahead of me. I had to find my dry hair cleaner spray in hopes of reducing the grease factor because an hour to shower/style it all over was not an option.

Luckily I found the spray, which helped the appearance, but not the feel, and ended up pulling my hair half up into a clip so that you couldn't see all of the layers anymore. I conceded that it was the best I could do in the time allowed and finished getting ready.

(My friends had the audacity to tell me it looked cute! Psssshhhh!! Yeah, don't you patronize me with your well placed flattery. It'll get you nowhere. I already like you guys, so no need to butter me up with your lies. I'm on to you...and you, and you....)

I really wasn't in the mood to party though. I tried my best to seem cheerful at the party, but obviously failed miserably. My friend who was hosting the party said I looked like I wasn't having any fun and said it was okay if I wanted to go elsewhere. And since some close friends were begging me to come out I did, and I'm glad I did cause they cheered me up for the most part.

I really hope this is not a foreshadowing of the year to come. I really could use another decent year. Hell, i could use an awesome year. Whoever is in charge of such things - I'm talking to you. You've dealt me some crap the past few years. Time to give me fame, fortune (millions of dollars), superpowers, maybe a friggen Unicorn or Luck Dragon....

Or even just an apartment and a boyfriend.

I don't feel that I'm asking too much, at least a couple of those are doable.

Like the Luck Dragon, or the Unicorn. Totally more possible than the mythical "boyfriend" creature. I'm not sure they actually exist. But Unicorn's definitely exist.


Yay!! I'm real!!

And I'm Pretty sure Falcore can save me from the Nothing that has been happening in my life lately.